my wants, my needs

I’m hungry, and I’m studying. I’m frustrated. I’m sleepy. I need coffee. I want sleep. I need sleep. I need more information. I hunger for information. I want better brain cells. I demand better-improved absorbant cells in the brains for study purposes. I’m going mad. I’m hungry for food. My stomach is growling for food. dammit. I really am hungry then.

Chey. Thought it was just my mind wanting more ‘food’ to eat from the delicious lecture notes. I’ve gone into this like hyperdrive mode where I love my words. OR at least, I’m psychoing myself to love it. eh. heh heh. that’s so bull, even to me.

Anyway, mom told me of her sister losing her job recently just this afternoon. And told me if she had to, she might be fostering one of her kids. I sat there staring blankly at her and thought for a while before telling her to take the younger girl in. Because she’s still in secondary school, I can keep an eye on her at least for a while what with curfews, strict rules and reformative rehab for that juvie of a cousin. She’s a horror, I kid you not. My cousins, maybe it’s due to a lack of bonding with them, but they’re horrible. They seek too much attention, they’re greedy and they’re rude. Very crude bunch. Like hooligans. Which is surprising, because I most certainly do not behave like a ruffian. But those cousins of mine? They behave like ruffians. Actually, they’re more like poser-kids. pfft.
The thought alone makes my mirth want to bubble up in hilarity. Mom says this particular cousin, the younger girl, she’s the worst of the lot. She steals, she mixes with the wrong crowd, she talks back, she dresses and acts like an ah lian. And the worst part of it all…

She’s depressed.

She cuts, she has so many cuts on her it makes my heart bleed for her sometimes when I see those shiny scars on her wrists, her legs. She wears many ’sex’ bangles to cover them up, else she puts on thick-width watches to cover it up. Does she require that much attention to go such lengths? She was never close to her parents, why dwell for the attention from them only when daddy dies? She used to be such a darling, this cousin of mine. Such a sweet girl, not even capable of lying to any of us.

I guess this is the part where I say, that there are times, where it’s just within that split second, that changes our lives forever.

But well, what the heck, who’s gonna listen anyway? They just wallow in their self pity and expect the nice ones like me to be suckers and go ‘awww’ and stuff a lollipop down their throats. No way. She comes here, she’ll be expecting hell from me. gah.

Okay, this is as far as I go on this issue. It’s off to sleep for me.