I think I’ve been quite blithely unaware that I’ve been getting bruises and scratches on myself until I stare at it long enough – to actually wonder what on earth is that red arc doing on the back of my hand? and what’s this 2cm bruise doing on the side of my knee? and what’s this? A huge 4cm bruise my side? >____<
Have I been an unknowing klutz lately? Must be looking that way, since I’ve only found out those bruises do actually hurt alot. :(
Not like I can do anything about being a klutz. Trying to keep out of work debt is good enough. I was photocopying some stuff in the staff room this morning when a teacher stopped by and asked (well, more like stated) ‘Hey, you’re coming with us to M’sia for the trip. Right?’ O_O Of course to my own horror, I have no recollections of actually agreeing to this trip, nor any other trip where I had to travel for the job – at least it wasn’t stated on MY job description. And obviously, to that teacher’s blithely ignorant attitude, the teacher (let’s put it as Teacher A) feigned surprise. “You mean you’re not told to go for this trip!? But your name’s down for it!” I told teacher A, ‘If my name was on it, I’d have known by now you know. I’d be told at least a month ago about it, when preparations were at the start, not 2 weeks before the actual trip departure.’ More surprise from teacher A. “REALLY?!?! You’re really not told to come for this trip? But, but….”, ‘No, teacher A, I’m not ‘down’ for this trip. Never was…….’ the obvious disappointment of me ‘losing out’ on the trip showed on teacher A’s face. But I wasn’t really gonna budge. I have like, a tonne of work squeezed into what is left of the next 5 weeks (sans this week) so, I cannot really afford to go on any campy school tours. Nah, not gonna go even if I were told to go.
So, teacher B came by (another teacher, obviously) and asked the same question, “Hey Anne! Heard from teacher A you’re going for the trip in a few days right?” by now I could just humour teacher B and break it to teacher B nicely and gently that I wasn’t going at all, but I was abit pressed for time to get some things completed, so just glancing at teacher B, I hurriedly told teacher B that I wasn’t going – period. I wasn’t told to, hence I won’t, even in the event that I had to, I would reject the order, because I have actual work I need done before I left in december for my much-needed and wanted holiday. Teacher B was of course, very much depressed about not having me go on the trip too (I don’t know why they’re all so hyped up about going to M’sia – probably only because I’m going to a much nicer place to holiday at, so I probably think M’sia’s a bit boring this holidays)….
Teacher B piped up though, thinking perhaps if my name was put in black and white, I’d HAVE to go – no doubt they have PLANS to make me to do something silly. I might be almost youngest there, but I’m often quite serious when I’m not cheerfully saying hello to everyone just to induce some laughter from them. – But I had to put off teacher B’s enthusiasm I think. Haha, teacher B was most disappointed too. But then again, as teachers, they get paid every month even when they don’t turn up at school during the holidays. I, on the other hand, the lowly teaching aide, doesn’t get paid if I choose not to turn up during the school holidays. So it didn’t really matter to them if they were gonna be out of the country during the school holidays or not, they’d get paid anyway. I suppose I’d get paid too, but I don’t get overtime, neither do they (the administrative staff) want to give me time off. So, why bother. hmph. kind of not fair, but it clearly dictates to me I shouldn’t overwork myself, and so I shan’t. XD Simple!
———————
I was abit off my rockers yesterday, I have to admit. :S
To say that I have to be cheerful all the time would be just asking too much out of anyone. I think people have to STOP smiling once in a while, just to gain some semblance of normalcy in their lives, you know?
I ranted, I cried, I had a darn good time not being myself.
I think, sometimes you don’t need a reason to not be yourself. It’s just tiring being me all the time. I don’t feel like smiling so much all the time. It’s quite tiring, even if it comes to me so naturally to smile. Don’t get me wrong, I love to smile, I probably love life so much more than like 80% of the world.
But there are just some days when you need time to not be yourself, right? Not assume-another-personality sort of day, but, like this, I-just-can’t-tolerate-being-me-today sort of day. It’s abit hard to describe. I think it was probably just short of destroy-my-life day, but it’s a raw thing in any case. It’s most often a depressing thing to me, like the way I felt when I first got introduced to the idea of loss (losing someone dear, or something I really endeared) which wasn’t too long ago, less than 10 years ago in fact. I’ve probably forgotton how Janice sounds like, or looked like, or behaved like, and on most occasions, if not almost everyday, I forget the loss that I felt when she died. Except for yesterday. Yesterday I felt I missed her alot, and somehow I felt I missed M alot in the process also. In fact, missing him was what registered the most to me.
I mean, I miss him all the time, needless to say. But yesterday I felt like I missed him so so so much more and it felt difficult to do anything properly with my mind drawing a blank whenever I wanted to start on something, because all I could ever think about was how much I’d rather have my boyfriend next to me, taking my hand and asking if there was anything I’d like to do today.
Yesterday was fueled by a lot of fluctuating hormones that usually peaks when one is about to get her period. you know, PMS.
It was extremely difficult to pass the day yesterday, and it took so much extra effort to put everything down and sit in the corner to not think about anything. It was tiring. Even when I said I’d go to bed early – at 9.50pm, I took another hour just to fall asleep, 55 minutes more than usual.
But I’m glad to be done with yesterday, because today feels alot more better than yesterday. Today I felt much better. But I still miss m alot more than the daily usual.
——————–
good news is that the colleague next to me didn’t bang tables nor talk to themselves. The elvis part stayed, but I can’t blame them for loving elvis. Elvis is their life just as much as uh, um.. michael jackson and mickey mouse club was in mine. (quite huge actually)
Hopefully, I’ll get my cheer back before the end of mid-week. Being moody isn’t exactly nice since everyone irritatingly asks why am I not smiling. *frowns* It’s ok not to smile sometimes you know. It’s perfectly fine. 1.5 weeks of having a bemused poker face out of 1.5years of smiles is perfectly fine. I’d probably be a damn good poker player right now – pity I don’t actually know how to play the game.
hah.
too bad!
Time for a shower, some homework, and then sleep.
Cheers,
Anne.
of listening to that one song (or three) being played over on repeat for the entire week every moment I’m home. :(
it’s driving me crazy – gradually and surely. I’ll be more than happy to listen to anything other than Jay Chou. Or Elvis at the work place. omg. It’s endless. I will pop on my ear phones when I get to work tomorrow and have my work done without any distractions of Elvis, table banging, clucks from the tongue (like that of a chicken’s – somehow that grates on my nerves) and the constant incessant chatter to no one in particular.
As you can very well see, Anne is slowly getting stressed out over any and everything. :( :( :(
ugh. whatever. i’ll go bury my head into my assignments.
I can’t wait for the colleague next door to finish their contract. I want them out soon. The incessant complaining about everything in life going explicitly wrong for them is just none of my business. As well as them not getting on with the other teachers. I just smile and nod, but really, I wish I had some duct tape with me to zip them up for a bit. Just for like, a tiny bit of hey, another 2 hours a day.
I’ve not know of such impatience in me but this is probably my limit. *grimace* get out of my life, asap, thanks. or hey, so, don’t talk. not to me anyway. I can’t help you. Even if I listen, then what? your negative emotions get to me, and then I’m the one with the frustrations and the bad moods. And then what? what? Am I supposed to smile and nod and say ‘oh well.. Life is as such. it sucks (to be you) but hey, it can only get better.’ Am I supposed to be grateful you shared with me your mindless frustrations about how things aren’t working to your advantage? Am I supposed to suffer with you? I don’t think so you know. I have my own set of problems, I have my own life. I have my own worries, my own shitholes to fill up and get over with. I am so fu*king tired of doing this day in, day out. And when I’m done with work, doesn’t help that sometimes Sherbie would call to tell me how pissed off she is over her parents, or job – not that I don’t give a damn, sherbs. I just don’t feel like dealing with it.
goodness, how I’ve constantly wished to say that to so many people to their faces. “I’m not your dumping ground, so suck it up and get on with it.” If only I could say that without gaining new enemies out of them.
I’m just so sick and tired of being everyone’s dumping ground. I don’t want to listen anymore. God, I’m so tired of listening. I’m not anyone’s psychiatrist. If I were, I’d be so fucking rich. Like, seriously very rich. VERY rich. I’ll charge everyone at least $120/hr and sit there and listen to them talk about their lowly lives, while doodling on my book or clipboard or something and go ‘So how does that make you feel?’ every time there’s a pause, and ‘What do you think would be good to get this over then?’ with every silent stare I get. 50minutes and time’s up, and ‘I’ll see you next tuesday, this has been an enriching experience for the both of us. Take this to the counter for your next appointment booking. Byeeeee.’
ugh. I’d be so rich, I would be so so so so rich.
Why do I even bother with this ad-hoc shit.
:(
Sometimes, I just hate my life.
go figure.
